


what's your damage man?

by nikola_tesla_slowburn



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware, half life vr
Genre: Apologies, Background Relationships, Character Development, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Falling In Love, First Dates, First Kiss, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not A Game AU, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Post-Canon Fix-It, Queerplatonic Relationships, Reconciliation, Slow Burn, Temporary Character Death, The Void, bubby and benrey bro moments, but reality is a little fucky, chapters will be updated frequently!, for benrey, im real bad at writing it so theres barely any, kinda hehe, oh yeah time for the obligatory post canon fix it, they/them pronouns for bubby, tommy and benrey are qprs!!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:20:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29316987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikola_tesla_slowburn/pseuds/nikola_tesla_slowburn
Summary: Regeneration is not as fun as video games make it seem, not by a longshot.Benrey’s entire being is overwhelmed with a searing pain before his nerves and tissue even exist, the void is a lonely and painful experience but he needs this. He needs time to think, to plan. Recreating an entire corporeal form with little to no experience is hard, believe it or not.Benrey spends a year in the void.[Benrey finally regenerates a year after the science team escapes black mesa. Now he has to figure out apologies and reconciliation.]
Relationships: Benrey & Bubby (Half-Life), Benrey & Gordon Freeman, Benrey & Tommy Coolatta, Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), Tommy Coolatta/Darnold
Comments: 27
Kudos: 104





	1. new beginnings (ouch)

**Author's Note:**

> okay so !! another attempt at a multi-chap fic! this one should go better since I have more of an idea for where I want to go with this, so expect fairly frequent updates!

Regeneration is not as fun as video games make it seem, not by a longshot.

Benrey’s entire being is overwhelmed with a searing pain before his nerves and tissue even exist, the void is a lonely and painful experience but he needs this. He needs time to think, to plan. Recreating an entire corporeal form with little to no experience is hard, believe it or not.

Benrey spends a year in the void.

It takes a month to build the skeleton, another two for muscle tissue and organs, three for the nervous system and veins, and all those other meticulous but necessary bits. Another month is spent on the brain, finalizing and recreating memories, personality traits and relearning emotions, and the final five are spent in “character customization” mode. If you’re given the opportunity to completely recreate yourself why not take your time and have a little fun? A final adjustment to his eye color (blue was a little much he decided, red suited him much better and looked sick as hell.) and suddenly Benrey finds himself laying flat on his back in the middle of a New Mexico desert, very much in pain, very much more than a little lost and confused, but very much alive and not in the void.

“Fuck!” 

Well at least his vocal chords were functioning.

The string of curses and grunts of pain continue as Benrey slowly sat himself up, hunching over as the bright unforgiving sun beamed down on him, fuck when was the last time he had seen the sun? He should’ve remembered to regenerate his helmet. Dammit, that would’ve been smart. Wait, had he even remembered to regenerate any clothes at all? Benrey risked a look down at himself and sighed in relief as he saw a grody undershirt and shorts, exactly what he had been wearing under his original uniform. 

Okay, clothes, consciousness, this was going fairly well, if Benrey didn’t feel on the brink of death he would have been patting himself on the back. Next step, gotta check on the homies, make sure they’re okay and not, you know, dead. Placing his hands flat on the rough ground, Benrey closed his eyes and took a deep breath, searching. He couldn’t pinpoint locations exactly, but he could at least see if they were alive and healthy.

There’s Coomer, next to Bubby as always. They seem to be doing good, Benrey pushes a little further and bright sparks of scarlet flash across his line of vision. Scarlet like an apple that’s ready to munch, means we’re really enjoying this lunch! Next is Tommy, he’s also doing alright, surrounded by the presences of Sunkist and Darnold, the void nearby means the G-Man is there too. Another further push and navy flashes of light appear. Navy blue, like normal blue but dark, means wow this really is a lovely park!

Benrey feels his new heart picking up speed as he searches for the final team member, when he eventually lands on Gordon, he can’t help the small stream of relieved-teal-to-purple stream of sweet voice. He’s okay, Gordon’s okay. He’s one arm lighter but he’s safe, and taking in the presence of a smaller figure near him, Benrey can only assume he’s with his son. A deep shade of blue overtakes his vision. Dark, ocean blue, means I’m never happier than when I’m with you. Benrey sits and revels in that deep blue for a moment, letting the knowledge that Gordon is safe and happy wash over him, it’s the most comforting thing he’s felt for a long, long time.

He wonders if he’ll ever get to feel that way with someone.

A bead of sweat lands on the back of his hand and snaps Benrey out of the trance. Right. He’s baking alive out here and given how draining that simple check up on the team had been, if he doesn’t move now, the vultures are going to have a field day on him.

Gotta find somewhere safe to teleport to, he’s got one shot at this. Can’t fuck it up, only on level one of this shit, would be pretty lame to die before he even completes the tutorial. 

Going to Gordon’s is… too much too soon Benrey decides, he doesn’t feel like bunking with two geezers, so he settles on Tommy. He could always trust that guy, Tommy had always seen something in Benrey, he was one of his first friends after all.

Right, okay, just a simple teleportation, he did it all the time back in Black Mesa, this was nothing.

It was not nothing.

It was very much something, actually.

Something ridiculously and almost incomprehensibly painful and draining. This might have been a mistake, Benrey manages to think in between screams of agony.

There’s a final burst of pain before Benrey feels something solid beneath him, he hears an assortment of surprised yelps and twists his head around to squint up at a very surprised and confused looking Tommy and G-Man. 

“Ben- Benrey? Holy- jeez, Benrey is th- is that you?” Tommy squeaks out, still looking a little apprehensive.

“Ngk. Mm.” Benrey mumbles before promptly blacking out.

✧✿✧✿

The next time Benrey is conscious enough to form a memory he’s greeted with the feeling of a warm, heavy blanket over him, a soft bed beneath him, and Sunkist the perfect dog hunched over him, watching him sleep. Once she noticed that he was no longer knocked out cold, Sunkist bonked his forehead with her cold nose and quickly ran off to retrieve Tommy.

“Oh wh-what a relief! You’re finally awa- you’re finally up!” Tommy exclaimed, trying his best to keep his voice quiet despite his obvious excitement. “Me and dad were get-getting real nervous that you ha-had really hurt yourself. How are you feel- how are you doing?” He asked, moving to sit at the edge of the bed.

Benrey stretched out a bit, cringing at his aching muscles. Words were too hard right now, he decided, blowing out a shaky stream of deep almost black red sweet voice.

“Darkish blackish red like gore, means I’ve been much better before!” Tommy recited, giving Benrey a sad smile. “You don’t feel like- like you’re minutes away from death though, y-yeah?” 

Benrey nodded and let out a surprise yelp as Tommy suddenly flicked his forehead. Hard. The guy must have used some of his otherworldly powers to make it sting extra.

“Gah what the hell man!” Benrey rubbed at his face furiously, trying to soothe the pain.

“That’s for- you- you betrayed us! And then you dis- you left! You disappeared and you didn’t even say sorry! We all- we all have to go to therapy now because you were- you were being petty!”

Well he couldn’t exactly argue with that, could he?

“I know, I mean- I didn’t-” Benrey took a deep breath and tried to sort his thoughts, his forehead still stung.

“I didn’t know it was gonna get that bad. I was uh, desperate. I was really desperate for an escape and I guess that kind fucked with my head.” He mumbled, “It wasn’t- that wasn't right, though. I’m sorry, Tommy I really am. I’m gonna try and get better though. Yeah. No more evil boss Benrey. Gonna- gonna be friend Benrey now, gonna respect boundaries n’ everything.”

Tommy stood for a moment, letting the apology sink in.

“It’s- it’s not okay, Benrey. I’m glad you apologized but we still have a lot to go. I’m willing to- to help you work- help you become a better person though.”

Benrey nodded slowly, processing this step forward and stuck his arms out.

“Hug? Maybe?”

Tommy sighed and leaned down to hug Benrey, smiling into the top of his head. 

“I really like the- the new look by the way!” Tommy said pulling back and, bringing up a hand to carefully fluff the tight, dark curls that framed Benrey’s face. “Very handsome.” 

Benrey snickered and blew a pink sweet voice orb into Tommy’s face, the other man laughed and batted at his face where the orb had hit. “Wow I for- I forgot how much those things tickled.” He sighed, settling further on the bed. 

“Do you want to hear about- do you want me to catch you up on what you’ve missed? It’s been a- a year or so since we last saw you.” 

Benrey nodded and sank to rest a head against Tommy’s shoulder, listening as the older scientist began summarizing what the team had been up to after they escaped. Benrey learned how Black Mesa had given each member a substantial amount of hush money, allowing for the team to live comfortably without having to work. Tommy, Gordon and Coomer had all bought houses, and Bubby was set up in an apartment not far from Coomer’s house. Speaking of Coomer, he had recently discovered the local YMCA and subsequently, the local boxing club. The guy seemed to be having the time of his life. 

Darnold would be moving in with Tommy and his dad soon, Benrey smiled at the way Tommy flexed and waved his fingers excitedly when he mentioned that.

Benrey also learned the team still hung out, Tommy pulled out his phone to show a picture from their most recent family event, Joshua’s 5th birthday party. The kid was a spitting image of Gordon, with the same wild curly hair sticking out at different angles, and a big toothy grin plastered across his face. In the picture Tommy showed him, Joshie was sat in front of a horse shaped cake and seemed indifferent to the stream of flames Bubby was currently shooting at it to light the candles.

“How uh, how is he doing?” Benrey asked, holding the phone in his hands and swiping through pictures.

“Mr. Freeman? Oh he’s-he’s doing great! At least, as good as he c-can. He seems happier now that he’s got- now that Joshua is able to stay with him every weekend. Definitely better than w-when we first got out.”

Benrey nodded and handed the phone back to Tommy.

“Do you- Should I tell him you’re here?” Tommy asked softly.

Benrey shook his head, not yet. He wasn’t ready for that one yet. “No uh, not now.” Gotta be polite, he reminded himself. “No thank you. I don’t think I can handle that, same with Gordo. Dun wanna fuck with his mind you know. Need more time to think about, uh, stuff.”

Tommy nodded wisely and glanced at the clock.

“Are yo-you hungry? It’s almost s-six but you’ve- you haven’t eaten anything for like two days.”

Oh yeah, he forgot he was technically human now. They needed food, didn’t they?

“Uh yeah I could eat, just don’t really know how I guess.”

Tommy gave him an odd look but smiled nonetheless. “Okay! We-we can start with something small. I’ll go grab some cr-crackers and water.”

Benrey nodded his thanks and sank back into the pillows, sighing and running his hands across the smooth comforter.

This was going to take a lot of adjusting.


	2. hells kitchen as a plot device

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> benrey stays over at bubby's for a night! it goes about how you'd expect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of a filler chapter I'll admit but I thought it was necessary :]c

Benrey spends the next two weeks lazing around Tommy’s house, slowly building his strength back up. After two days’ bed rest, he’s able to get up and walk around the house. Tommy is nice enough to lend Benrey his clothes while the two wait until Benrey is strong enough to go shopping for clothes with him. After the first week, Benrey even feels confident enough to take Sunkist on a walk around the neighborhood, wearing a newly purchased chullo and Animal Crossing hoodie.

Coomer and Bubby dropped by to visit at some point during the second week, Coomer had practically broken Benrey’s ribs with the force of his hug, while Bubby had opted for a handshake, trying their best to seem indifferent but Tommy swore they had whooped out loud when he called to tell them the news that Benrey was back.

Gordon still didn’t know, Benrey felt almost guilty for making the other science team members keep his return to themselves, but he couldn’t risk it. He had to be careful with this, don’t want to fuck everything up before he gets a chance to even consider taking any new feet pics.

Benrey was hunched over Tommy’s Switch trying to beat a particularly difficult level of Katamari Damacy when Tommy knocked on the frame of the wide open bedroom door.

“Dude you can come in, and you don’t have to knock. I’m stayin’ in your house, in your spare room.” Benrey said, glancing up from his game. Tommy just shrugged and flopped over the bed next to him, letting out a soft ‘oof’ on impact. 

“S-so please don’t be offended, but me and Darnold- o-our anniversary is coming up. This Friday a-actually.” Tommy began, rolling over to face Benrey. “And I kinda wa-wanted to have the house to ourselves for the- for the night so-” Benrey placed his hands over Tommy’s mouth.

“Augh no it’s okay don’t elaborate, don’t elaborate.” Benrey faked an exaggerated gag as Tommy giggled and pushed the hands away. “I can find somewhere to crash for a night man it’s okay.”

“Alright! Than- thank you.” Tommy paused, toying with his hands a bit. “Maybe- you- you could try and ask Mr. Freeman?” He supplied, wiggling his eyebrows a little.

“Wuhh no. Nuh uh. Nope. Still not ready for that. Don’t think he’s ready for it either.” Benrey mumbled, flopping over Tommy’s legs.

“You’re going to- to have to do something eventually Benrey. You can’t keep hiding for forever. You’re trying to be a good- a better person, remember?” 

“Pfft. That’s what you think. M’ gonna hide for years just because you said that. Gonna make the perfect apology so good Freeman isn’t gonna know what hit him. Dedicate years and years to this.”

“Benrey…” 

“I know, I’m just. You know.” Benrey flipped up his hoodie and pulled the drawstrings, leaving only his nose and puffs of hair visible. “Scared. I’m scared that an apology isn’t gonna be enough.”

“Well, an apology  _ isn’t _ enough.” Tommy said plainly. “It’s almost the same as with me, an apology is- it’s a start! Bu-but you need to show him that you- you’re different. That you can change.”

Benrey hummed in agreement, fiddling with the hoodie strings.

“I’m not- I’m not saying you need to do it now, but just think about it s-so you’re ready, okay?” Tommy sat up and nudged his legs a bit. “I need to get going now, we need groceries. Do you want anything?” 

“Mm. Doritos maybe. Gonna need something to help me keep going while coming up with this epic apology.” Benrey still didn’t move off Tommy’s legs.

“You have to actually move.”

“Whuh? Since when.”

Tommy rolled his eyes and leaned down to kiss Benrey’s forehead, before shoving him over off his legs and standing up.

“Aw no fair! You just, uh, infected me with your diseases for what? A trip to the grocery store? Not cool dude.” Benrey hissed with no real malice behind it.

Tommy just laughed and walked off. The traitorous bastard.

Right. Gotta find a place to stay for a night. Gordon’s was obviously off limits, and Coomer would probably try to fight him to prove he was deserving of a place to stay. As fun as that sounded Benrey wasn’t sure he was strong enough for that yet. So that just left Bubby as Benrey’s only viable option. Fantastic. Sure they had already seen each other once since Benrey’s respawn, but it was quick and took place in a group context. Benrey hadn’t even apologized for the… Well, everything.

Who knew preying on someone’s desperation for an escape from a cruel facility and turning them against their only friends would leave a relationship feeling a little tainted?

✧✿✧✿

Maybe Benrey could have planned this better.

Actually, scratch that. He  _ definitely _ could have planned this better.

Here he is, Friday night, standing in front of Bubby’s apartment building with nothing but Tommy’s switch, a charger, and a spare hoodie, realizing with a dawning horror that the ONE thing he forgot to do in preparation was actually fucking ask Bubby if he could stay over.

Fuck.

Benrey eyed the dumpster that sat in the adjacent alleyway. Maybe if he just scooched the trash bags around- he’d slept in weirder places.

Just as he was about to vault over the edge an incredibly irritated raccoon stuck it’s head out and glared daggers up at Benrey, hissing angrily.

“Ah shit. Uhh sorry bud. Backing up.” 

Right, okay, he was actually doing this. Enough procrastinating. Gotta get this over with.

Five minutes and he was at Bubby’s door, another minute and a half to psych himself up and then he was knocking. Five seconds between each round of three sharp knocks. 6 rounds of knocking and 36 seconds later Bubby cracked the door open. The ever present sour look on their face making no exceptions for tonight.

“The hell do you want?”   


“Heyy Bubby. My friend. My dearest closest friend Bubby.” Benrey coughed awkwardly. “I uh, need a place to stay for the night.”

“And? Why don’t you just go to your boyfriend’s.”

“Whu- my what?” Benrey choked back the stream of flustered coral sweet voice.

“Gordon? Your boyfriend? Who else would I be talking about.”

“We- He doesn’t even- he’s not my boyfriend!”

Bubby frowned. “Really? I could’ve sworn- dammit you just cost me 10 bucks. Thanks asshole.”

“Come onn just let me in. Please. I promise I won’t uh, disturb you. Yeah, I’ll be quiet. Won’t get in the way of any of you and Coomer’s old guy sexy times. Quiet as can be like a little uuhh little old mouse.”

Benrey could have sworn he saw the older scientist burst a blood vessel in their forehead.

“Wha- you-! You can’t just! What me and Coomer do- no I can’t even. I’m not having this conversation with you right now!” And with that they shut the door in Benrey’s face with a resounding  _ SLAM. _

_ Well that was certainly… something. Okay now what? _ Benrey mused, staring at the door which he now was realizing was a  _ lovely shade of mahogany. They don’t make doors like that anymore. _

He didn’t want to risk another run-in with the raccoons again, and he was pretty sure every other science team member was in bed at this point. So Benrey settled on plopping down outside Bubby’s door and clicking away idly on Minecraft to pass the time. He was just about to add the finishing touches on his fourth enderman trap when the screen of the switch flickered and died. 

“Whuu no. What’d hell. You were just fully charged a few minutes ago.” Benrey frowned and squinted at the clock that sat at the end of the hallway. 

_ Oh, _ he thought, realizing that two hours had passed. Benrey sighed and slumped down, preparing for sleep, until a muffled voice came through the door.

“Are you still out there?”

“Buhh yeah. ‘Course.”

Benrey heard a few soft clicks as the door unlocked and Bubby peeked their head out.

“Do you really not have anywhere to stay?” They asked, voice unusually soft.

“Yup.” Benrey popped the last ‘p’ and shifted a bit, tugging at the pom poms of his chullo.

“Jesus, I can’t believe I’m about to do this.” Bubby sighed, rubbing at their eyes. “Fine. Come in. You can stay over.”

“You mean it?” Benrey shot up, searching Bubby’s face for any hint of sarcasm.

“Yes. Yeah whatever, come on.” Bubby rolled their eyes and pulled the door open further. Benrey stepped into the apartment and hesitated. 

“Um. Thank you. For uh, letting me stay.” 

Bubby cocked an eyebrow.

“And I’m really sorry for everything man. I just- I’m trying to be a better person. So uh, apologies and stuff are happening. I’m sorry I fucked with your brain and turned you against the science team. Fucked up of me. Real fucked up.”  _ Shit, what was that thing Tommy had told him to remember to mention? Oh! Yeah.  _ “Uh, you, you don’t have t’ forgive me. I won’t be angry. Promise.”

Bubby stared up at Benrey, an unreadable look on their face. 

“Thank you.” They said finally, and to Benrey’s surprise, Bubby reached an arm out for an awkward, albeit sincere side-hug. This quickly ended though as Bubby straightened up and coughed, adjusting their glasses.

“Yeah so uh. You can just sleep on the couch. I’ll check to see if I have a spare blanket or some shit.” Bubby shuffled off into his bedroom, leaving Benrey to settle in on the couch. After depositing what few items he had on him, Benrey took to poking around the living room, seeing what kind of entertainment the old guy had.

“No wayyy a Wii Fit? Holy shit Bubby what year is it?”

“It’s not mine. Harold insisted on getting it so he could work out whenever he stays-”

Benrey raised his eyebrows and gave Bubby a shocked look. The older man quickly clamped their mouth shut and did their best to look casual.

“Damn you call him Harold now?” He let out a low whistle. “Some uh, some friends you are. Didn’t even invite your best bud Benrey to the wedding.”

“Shut it.” Bubby growled, throwing a blanket at Benrey with such force it almost toppled him over. Benrey cackled and fell backwards on his own accord.

“I’m going back to bed.” Bubby grumbled, scratching at their stomach as they began to turn back to face their room. “Don’t break any of my shit. Or do break my shit I dunno, I’m not a cop. Do what you want.”

“Wait wha? Come on wait.” Benrey sat up, panicking slightly. He wasn’t used to spending nights alone. Normally Tommy would come and sit with him for a bit before he went to sleep. “Don’t you wanna uhh hang out? Please and thank you? We can watch uhh Hell’s Kitchen. Real funny I promise. Lotsa swearing you’d like it.”

“Hells… Kitchen? I thought that place was made up for religion shit.” Bubby frowned.

“Oh you don’t know? Holy shit dude come here, I’m about to introduce you to the legend that is Gordon Ramsey.”

It only took one episode to get Bubby completely hooked. Even with their limited knowledge of food they would shout in disgust at each even slightly off looking plate handed to the judges. It was a wonder they hadn’t received any noise complaints given the late hour.

“You fucking call that a Foie gras? It looks like horse shit! The presentation is sloppy even I know that.” Bubby cried indignantly, gesturing wildly at the TV to an incredibly amused Benrey’s delight.

“He didn’t even fuckin’ plate it right. Talk about cringe. Looks like the shit they served back at Black Mesa.”

“Oh don’t even get me started on that.” Bubby sighed, slumping down on the couch. “I think they tried to feed me straight mush once. Like not even food. Just pure ACME Mush.”

“Eugh.” Benrey offered helpfully.

“God I’m glad we’re out of there. Nice finally having my own life.” Bubby murmured, bringing a hand up to rub at their face.

Benrey hummed in agreement. It really was nice. He missed absolutely nothing about the cold halls and distant coworkers. Oh yeah, and all the totally unethical and cruel experiments.

“Hey,” Bubby’s now tired voice cut through Benrey’s thoughts. “What  _ is _ going on with you and Gordon? It’s getting kind of old having to be secretive about all this shit. Coomer has almost told him you’re here like 10 times and we’ve only talked to the guy for maybe 20 minutes over the past week.”

Benrey let out a string of blood orange sweet voice.  _ Blood orange like red and yellow fused, means honestly I’m a little confused. _

“I uh. I really don’t know. It’s a lot, you know? I mean, I wanna talk to him but I don't know how. Don’t wanna fuck it all up. Don’t want to give him a peh-teh-es-dee attack or something.”

“Pfft yeah. Like that wouldn’t have happened with the rest of us.”

“What?”

“You know.” Bubby waved their hands around aimlessly. “You kinda fucked us all up, and you’ve already talked to us without setting us over the end. Can’t be that different. Just try to keep it in your pants and stay sincere.”

“You’re one to talk Mr. “I Bought A Whole Ass Wii Just To Make Harold Happy.”” Benrey covered his own embarrassment with a stream of kissy noises and rainbow sweet voice.  _ Rainbow like a painter’s brush means looks like someone’s got a crush! _

“I’m not the one on trial here dumbass.” Bubby shot back. “Just nut up and talk to the guy. Get it over with. That’s the end of my advice.” Bubby suddenly stood and cracked their back, grimacing. “I’m going to bed for real now. Goodnight.”

“Mm okay. Night.”

The TV was clicked off, leaving Benrey alone on the couch in a comfortable darkness and silence.

The isolation was welcome, it gave Benrey plenty of space to just sit and think. He had a lot of planning to do if he was going to talk to Gordon by the end of the upcoming week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowo!! thank u for reading!! I had a lot of fun writing bubby's pining moments askdfj i hope u enjoyed :"]
> 
> my tumblr is @12-horses-in-drag if ur interested :0)


	3. good first (second) impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> finally FINALLY benrey apologizes to gordon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooouh things are starting to get good >:]

“Tommyyyy. Tommy. Tommy. Tom. Timothy. TommyTommyTommy.” Benrey hissed, gently slapping at a currently dead asleep Tommy’s face.

“Tommyyy man. Wake up pleaseee. Sunkist is uh, on the roof. I think she’s trying to go to space. And my hair is on fire.”

Nothing.

“Tommy… I… I think I’m in love with you bro....”

A snore.

“Okay rudeass. Be like that.” Benrey grumbled.

Fine. If Tommy was apparently now legally dead, maybe Benrey would have more luck with the man’s partner. He shuffled around the bed and crouched down, squinting at the side of Darnold’s face and leaning in close to his ear. 

“Hey Dar-” Before Benrey could even finish his sentence, Darnold shot up out of bed and whipped his head around.

“Huh? What? What’s wrong.”

“I-” Benrey stared up with a bewildered look. “Shit. Sorry man I just uh, I gotta wake Tommy up and I think he died.”

“What? He- oh! Oh he’s not dead Ben, just a heavy sleeper. Here-” Darnold chuckled sleepily and leaned over, pressing a soft kiss to the back of Tommy’s neck. “Wha?” Tommy rolled over almost immediately and sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“There he is.” Darnold beamed.

“What the- Be- benrey is everything okay? Why do you need me at-” Tommy paused to squint at his cellphone screen. “5 in the morning…?” 

“Ah fuck sorry about that. I uh, well I kinda. I finally wanna talk to Feetman. Like in person. So I just figured I could get you to tell him that, maybe. Please thank you.”

“I- That- that’s great Benrey just m-maybe not this early.” Tommy sighed, flopping back into bed. The rest of his sentence was muffled by the pillow. “I’ll call him after I eat- after breakfast, okay?” 

“Pbtbh. Okay, thank you.” Benrey blew a couple blue and white sweet voice and darted out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him.  _ Blue with some white, like a sky that’s starry, means oh! My bad, I’m sorry. _

✧✿✧✿

Three hours later at a more acceptable time, Tommy sat in the kitchen, nursing a mug of coffee, listening to the faint sounds of Benrey playing smash in the living room.

He pulled out his phone and tapped in Gordon’s number, after three rings he picked up.

“Tommy! Hey man, Good Morning!”

“Mo-Morning Mr. Freeman!”

“So what’s up? This is a little earlier than our usual catch-up phone calls.” Gordon chuckled.

“Uh, well.” Tommy looked down at his coffee, frowning slightly. “Benrey- he- he’s back.”

A crash followed by a groan of pain was heard from Gordon’s side of the call.

“Mr. Freeman? A-are you okay?”   
“Um. Yep. Fine. I’m great. Just uh, dropped my coffee, on my feet. Give me a second-” Gordon’s voice cut out as he presumably set his phone down to clean the mess. When he finally returned, he had a slight edge to his voice.

“What the hell do you mean he’s back?”

“Well, about three weeks ago he showed- well he just k-kinda appeared in my living room. He- he doesn’t really k-know how he came back, but he’s here.”

“Fuck.. three weeks? Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“W-well, he di- he didn’t want you to know.” Tommy admitted, 

“What?” Gordon sounded confused.

“He didn’t want to- to freak you out.”

“Oh.  _ Oh _ .”

Tommy continued to sip his coffee as Gordon processed this new information.

“So he- he’s really back? This isn’t just some fucked up prank?”   


“No! I wou-wouldn’t joke about that!” Tommy huffed indignantly.

“Right, yeah. Sorry this is just all a little weird. How uh, how is he?”

Tommy smirked at Gordon’s suddenly embarrassed tone. “He’s doing just fi-fine! He was a little shaky at first bu-but he’s doing much better.” A statement punctuated by a shout of frustration from Benrey in the other room. “He even apologized.”

“Wow, that’s- huh.”

“T-there’s one more thing though.”

“What?”

“Well Mr. Freeman he- Benrey wa-wants to talk to you. In pe-person.”

More prolonged silence on Gordon’s end.

“Tommy I- I’ll get back to you. I think that- I just need time to uh, think.”

“Alright Mr. Freeman. I understand. I’ll talk to you later!”

“Right. Yeah. Bye Tommy.”

And with that he hung up. Tommy let out a long sigh and returned to his coffee, walking out to the living room to see what Benrey was up to.

“Mornin’” Benrey greeted, not taking his eyes off the TV screen.

“Good morning!” Tommy chirped, tugging at the pom pom of Benrey’s chullo playfully.

“Bugh. Rude.”

Tommy just hummed in satisfaction and sat down on the couch.

“Who were you talking to?” Benrey asked, obviously trying (and failing) to play dumb.

“Mr. Freeman, I was- was telling him that you’re here and wanted to talk to him.”

“...And?”

“He said he- he ju-just needed to think about it.”

Benrey deflated slightly and turned back to his game.

“He di- He did ask about you though.” Tommy murmured.

“He WHAT.”

“What? Huh? I- I didn’t say anything.” Tommy turned to face the window, whistling absentmindedly. “You know to-today is the perfect weather I think I’ll take Sunkist for- for a walk after Darnold gets back from boxing lessons with Dr. Coomer. You know, he told me yesterday that Darnold is able to block him- his punches now!”

Tommy held back a laugh as pink sweet voice began to fill the room.

“You seem- you seem pretty excited about something!”

“Shut uppp.” Benrey managed between bursts of pink.

✧✿✧✿

Benrey was… back?

Holy shit he was, wasn’t he?

Gordon felt his head spin as he slid his cellphone in his sweatpants pocket, bringing his left hand up to rub at his eyes.

It had been a year since the boss fight, and 7 months since he had started therapy. He should be okay with this right? Time heals all wounds and all that?

Apparently not, Gordon’s mind was still running a mile a minute.  _ Deep breaths, Gordon c’mon. It’s too early for a panic attack. _

He needed to think about this. Like actually sit down and think, this was a lot.

Moving carefully, Gordon made his way back to his bedroom, settling down on the carpet besides his bed and pressing his back to it. 

Right, just like Dr. Nguyen had told him.  _ Lay all the facts out, take time to think through a situation. _

Benrey had respawned. Benrey was alive. Benrey was alive and staying with Tommy, less than 15 minutes away from where Gordon was sat now.

Benrey had hurt him, hurt the science team. Benrey had caused irreversible trauma, and put Gordon and his friends through hell.

Did he really deserve forgiveness?

He didn’t, Gordon reasoned. Forgiveness was out of the question right now.

Doesn’t mean he shouldn’t hear the guy out though, maybe he had changed.

Gordon scoffed at the idea, Benrey couldn't have changed… could he?

_ He could have, _ the traitorous voice in the back of his head whispered.  _ He could be different now. Tommy said he apologized, wouldn’t that be nice to finally hear? You’ve certainly thought about how an apology would go enough. _

Gordon thought back to the alien’s more tolerable moments… he really hadn’t been all that bad when he wasn’t actively causing harm to Gordon right? If anything, he had been kind of fun. He had been one funny, annoying, constant in Gordon’s life, in a sea of chaos and confusion. Admittedly, this had only been for a week but still, it’s got to count for something, right?

Gordon’s hand hovered over the pocket where his phone now sat next to him.

_ This was just for closure _ , he reasoned, feeling a touch more confident. Yeah. Closure.

**hey tommy, I think I’m feeling up to seeing benrey. I’m free on thursday is that alright?**

Tommy replied almost instantly.

**Of course! He said that’ll work, he can’t wait to see u!! :))**

Gordon tried to ignore the tightness in his chest at that last half.

✧✿✧✿

“He said- he said he was free Thursday, will t-that work?”

Benrey opened his mouth to reply but no words came out, instead a wave of colors incomprehensible to the human eye poured out. Benrey settled on nodding and flapping a hand excitedly.

“O-okay! I’ll tell him!” Tommy shot back a reply and looked up to observe the massive clouds of sweet voice. “Wow! Sh-Shrimp colors! It’s been- I haven’t seen those in a while!” Tommy’s eyes flashed as their retinas turned to a setting with enough cones to get the full scope of Benrey’s emotions.

“I’m- I’m sure it’ll go fine! He wou-wouldn’t have agreed to this if he was still- still angry with you.”

Benrey spat out the last of the sweet voice, “Yeah. You’re right, thanks Tommy you’re uh, a real good.”

“I know! :)”

“Man you gotta stop doing that with your voice it’s starting to freak me out a little.”

✧✿✧✿

Cut to three days later and Gordon is no less anxious as to how this whole meetup is going to go. Tommy had texted him 10 minutes prior to let him know Benrey was on his way, how the alien-turned-not-so-alien planned on getting here without a car, neither Tommy or Gordon knew, so really it was still undetermined when exactly he’d show up.

Gordon spent the morning busying himself with cleaning, starting with the kitchen and working his way through the bathroom and living room until the first floor of his house was clean.

He’s standing in the living room, observing his work when there’s a knock at his door. It takes every ounce of self control not to sprint back into his bed and hide under his covers like a little kid. 

Another series of knocks snaps Gordon out of his escape fantasies and he quickly moves to open it, clumsily smoothing back his fly away hairs with his prosthetic and  _ oh.  _

_ Fuck. _ He had not planned for this.

There’s Benrey, standing in front of him, hand raised in preparation for another knock and he’s… normal looking? And moderately well dressed? And holy hell he’s- he’s actually kind of cute. Sure, Gordon had seen the guy plenty of time’s before but Benrey had always been covered with his uniform and layers of caked on dirt, blood and alien goop. Now, here he is, dark, healthy looking brown skin scrubbed clean and practically glowing in the warm afternoon sun. He’s wearing a chullo that covers most of his hair, but puffs of dark tight curls are peaking out, framing his face perfectly. Be still Gordon’s heart, he even has a little fang peeking out the corner of his mouth.

“Heyy Freeman! Took ya long enough. Thought you might’ve uh, despawned or some shit like that.”

Right. Yep. Snap back to reality Gordon come on!

“Holy- hey man! Wow, long uh, long time no see.” Gordon chuckled nervously.  _ Smooth.  _ “Uh, come in.” He moved to allow space for Benrey to step inside.

✧✿✧✿

Okay, how do humans let each other know they’re outside the other's house? Was it gunshots? No that can’t be right. That was only in Florida.

Oh! Right, knocking.

Benrey rapped on the door, shifting a little between his feet. Can’t show how nervous he really is, gotta play it cool. Impress the Feetman, make good first- well, second impression.

There was no response. Uh oh, was Gordon okay? Did he get hurt? Maybe he just didn’t hear Benrey the first time- better be sure he does this time. Benrey slammed his palm against the door repeatedly until it finally gave way, swinging open to reveal Gordon.

Oh  _ no. _

Benrey had hoped, prayed even, that the rose colored sweet voice that came up whenever he thought of cringe-ass Feetman was just left over from his tiny crush he had back in Black Mesa.

Seeing him now though? Out of the clunky HEV suit and looking… well… soft? Huggable even? His eyes didn’t look sunken in anymore and his skin had gone back to its original color, a warm brown, contrasting with the sickly hue it had taken on in Black Mesa. He even had his hair pulled back in a loose bun with a few stray curls framing his face adorably and holy sh _ IT HE HAD FRECKLES- BE COOL BENREY BE COOL. _

“Heyy Freeman! Took ya long enough. Thought you might’ve uh, despawned or some shit like that.”

Ohh he completely nailed that! This shit was easy. Why had he been so scared?

“Holy- hey man! Wow, long uh, long time no see.” Gordon chuckled. “Uh, come in.” He moved to allow space for Benrey to step inside.

“Oh shit, letting me in already?” Benrey shot a smug grin up at Gordon. “Heyy sweet digs. Not as shit as I thought this place would be.”

“I’ll have you know I decorated this place myself.” Gordon huffed, shutting the door. “It should be sweet.”

“Whatever you say, Feetman.”

“Already? Fuck, give me a break man.” Gordon sighed and laughed weakly.

A strange silence fell between the pair, a silence that would have normally been filled with taunts and insults, but was now replaced by a feeling of uncertainty from both parties. The calm before the storm, some would say.

“So.” Benrey started, all prior confidence in his plan deflating. “Um. Right. I- I need to apologize for uh, for the everything.”

Gordon didn’t say anything, Benrey took this silence as a push to continue.

“I. Um.” Benrey’s face was burning,  _ what the fuck! _ He had practiced this so many times in the mirror and it had gone so well then. “Big. Big bad. Big fuck up. I did.”

Gordon snorted, this reaction caused Benrey to snap his head up with a bewildered expression. This only worsened Gordon’s state as he tried to compose himself.

“I’m sorry, I-” Another burst of giggles. “I’m not used to this uh, this level of sincerity.”

Benrey cracked an uneasy smile. “Damn. You- you really don’t think I can do this huh?” 

Gordon squeezed his eyes shut and laughed harder, shaking his head no.

“Yeah you would think that huh. Meanman. Gordon Freeman Top 10 Homophobic Moments. I’ll show you, here check this out.” Benrey blew a stream of amber brown sweet voice directly into Gordon’s face.

“Agh what the hell! What is this?” Gordon scrunched up his nose and ducked to avoid the stream.

“Fuckin. Uhh beer colored. Brown and amber like the drink beer, means I’m uh, trying to be sincere.”

“You’re insane.”

“Mm.”

“Right. Sorry. Continue this apology we’ve gotten this far.” Gordon sighed and straightened up again, staring intently at Benrey.

“Oh yeah. Yes. That.” Benrey paused, “I- I’m sorry, Gordon. I’m sorry for everything, I’m sorry for- for Xen, and the whole arm thing.” Benrey waved a hand at Gordon’s prosthetic. “I didn’t- I know it’s not an excuse but I really didn’t know it wouldn’t come back. Just thought it was a prank. Thought it’d be funny, like uh, in cartoons you know. But it wasn’t. It was uh, it was wrong. I was desperate for a way out n did dumb shit because of that. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

Benrey blinked a few times, biting at his lip to try and control the stinging in the corners of his eyes.

“So you- you don’t have to accept this or whatever. It’s okay if you never want to hang out after this. I uh, I get it.”

More silence. Benrey sat, waiting expectantly for Gordon’s reply, when a few minutes had passed and none came, Benrey figured this was Gordon’s way of telling him to get out. He began to move towards the front door.

“Um. Well. Probably should get going- I’m sorry for-” A sudden tug on his hoodie sleeve snapped him alert, turning back to see Gordon looking at him with a tense expression.

“Please don’t- I mean-” Gordon sighed before continuing, uncertainty obvious in his tone.

“Don’t go. Not yet. Thank you for apologizing. It’s- it’s not okay. But it’s a start.”

Benrey felt a pang of hope in his chest.

“You- it’s a lot. Tommy seems to trust you though, and you have kinda changed. At least from what I can tell. I think it would be okay if you stuck around for a while.” Gordon let go of the hoodie sleeve as he finished.

“Bro. You- you actually mean it? No bullshit? No clickbait?” Benrey fought the cracks apparent in his voice.

“Yeah- no uh, no clickbait.” Gordon laughed sheepishly.

“Duude!” Benrey fought the rising definitely not bright pink sweet voice, and instead settled on rocking on his feet, shaking his hands a bit at his sides. “Um. Hug? Please?”

Gordon frowned slightly at this.

“I dunno man-”

“C’mon please, you don’t hug the homies? Feetman can’t even find it within himself to hug his homie after he delivers a heartbreaking apology? Booooo.”

“God okay- just shut up please you’re making me regret letting you come over.” Gordon fought back a smile and opened his arms. “One hug. One per heartfelt apolo-” Gordon was cut off as Benrey flopped into his arms, squeezing him gently. It was… nicer than Gordon wanted to admit. The guy was like a space heater, and despite the high temperatures outside, it was comfortable. Maybe he was overheating Gordon a little though, his face seemed to be burning like he had some sort of fever. Weird. 

Benrey pulled back with a dopey grin and promptly returned to poking around Gordon’s house, making a b-line to his poorly organize stack of DVDs and video games stacked precariously on his small TV stand.

“Fuck’s sake you have a Wii too? Really?” Benrey murmured, his demeanor immediately changing as he snatched a game off the top of the pile, waving it in Gordon’s face.

“Bet you $10 I can get a higher score than you dancing to Rasputin.”

Gordon took the copy of Just Dance 2 and eyed Benrey suspiciously.

“I doubt you even have $10. Do you even have a concept of money? Or are you saying that just because they say it in movies.”

Benrey blinked up at Gordon.

“Ra ra rat protein.”

“Wh- what are you doing? That’s not how the song go-”

“Grandma got a fuck machine.” Benrey’s voice began to rise in volume.

“There was a bat that really ate mom! Ra ra rat protein! Grandma got a fucking bean!”

“This is a sin against Boney M themselves.”

“It was a shame how he married dumb-” Benrey was practically screaming the lyrics now.

“Okay! Okay! Fine you’re on. $10 it is.”

Benrey cackled and moved to set up the game and wow, maybe Gordon should avoid wearing sweatpants on hot days. His face felt so warm he was surprised he wasn’t actively sweating.

✧✿✧✿

Two hours, an excessive amount of swearing and insults, and one rogue Wii remote related head injury later, Tommy finally pulled up outside of Gordon’s house, beeping to let the two know he was there.

“Hey your chaperone is here.” Gordon said as he peered out the window.

“You’re just jealous because you don’t have someone to drive you around everywhere.” Benrey blew a raspberry.

“Didn’t you walk here?” This was met with silence from Benrey.

Gordon just sighed and went to turn off the Wii as Benrey scooped up his hoodie from where it lay on the couch, pulling it on and walking over to the door.

“Alright well uh, I guess this is it for today.” Benrey twisted the doorknob but did not open the door.

“Yeah, uh, for today. See you around though, yeah? Maybe next time we could raise the stakes to $20.” Gordon offered, ignoring the way his stomach flipped at Benrey’s obvious grin.

“‘M gonna hold you to that promise Feetman.” And before Gordon could complain about that stupid nickname, or even reject the claim that he had promised anything, Benrey was out the door, giving Gordon a small wave before disappearing into Tommy’s car.

Neither would either admit it to themselves or heaven forbid  _ each other,  _ but it was the most fun the two had had in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the character designs in this fic are based on @michael-istrash 's on tumblr!! mic is a good friend go look at his art it is so sexc!! also I'm sorry I've been so shit at replying to comments but they really mean the world to me :"))) y'all r so sweet asdfkjskd
> 
> my tumblr is @12-horses-in-drag if ur interested :0)

**Author's Note:**

> woo!! first chapter is done! hope you guys enjoyed :)) comments+critiques are appreciated!!
> 
> my tumblr is @12-horses-in-drag if ur interested :0)


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